New World Bistro Bar
Albany Pump Station
The Point Restaurant
Central Park, Schenectady
Best Day Trip
New York City
Best Movie Theater
1. Spectrum 8 Theaters
2. Regal Colonie Center Stadium 13
3. Bow Tie Cinemas Movieland
1. New York State Museum
2. Albany Institute of History & Art
3. MASS MoCA
Best Art Gallery
1. Marketplace Gallery
2. Upstate Artists Guild
3. Albany Institute of History & Art
Best Optical Store
Best Appliance Store
Aunt Katie’s Attic
Reruns Consignment Shop
River Street, Troy
Barnes & Noble
The Book House of Stuyvesant Plaza
(TIE) Jeff Morad, Chris Wienk
All Over Albany
All Over Albany
All Over Albany
(TIE) Keep Albany Boring, Times Union
All Over Albany
All Over Albany
Keep Albany Boring
Outside Sales Are you a motivated self-starter? How cute. Now, go “start” yourself! Or are you someone who eats motivated self starters for breakfast, guzzles a carafe of scalding black coffee and then shits motivated self-starters’ lunch money? Then we want to talk! We’re looking for an aggressive, aggressive, AGGRESSIVE sales representative, someone who thrives on rejection and lives on commission. Do pit-trained fighting dogs drop their tails when they see you? Is your favorite Christmas movie Glengarry Glen Ross? Don’t answer, and don’t call. If you’ve questions, you’re not right for us. If you want to know what we’re selling, you’re not right for us. If you’re still reading this and not actively selling RIGHT FUCKING NOW, you’re not right for us. SELL, SELL, SELL!
Female Models Experienced and respectful photographer/videographer looking for classy women between the ages of 18 for upscale, glamorous, tasteful, print and film depictions of the most depraved and inhumane pornographic acts imaginable. Will train.
Subject Matter Experts Do you have a passion for food, babies, small engines, homeopathy, sailing, certain breeds of dogs, travel, televised awards shows, comic books, board games, women’s issues, celebrity gossip, the British royal family, the beauty industry, the environment, relationships, Chad Lowe, circuses, fly fishing, subjects or matter? Are you an expert? Would you like to be? Have you heard of experts? Do you know about the Internet? Do you know about writing? Would you like to write on the Internet? We’ll let you, for free! PEOPLE WILL SEE YOUR NAME! Just think about that! Wow.
Assistant Store Manager Latham Circle Mall Bonsai n’ Chai seeks assistant manager. Shrubbery and/or retail tea experience helpful but not required. Ask for Gary.
Little League Coach Coach needed for baseball team of smug teenage assholes. Must be available immediately for big game against ragtag group of misfits from the wrong side of the tracks who’ve overcome odds and interpersonal differences to, improbably, make the league series. Should be a cake walk. I think they’ve even got a girl on the team. Insanely competitive, verbally abusive preferred.
Retail Sales Latham Circle Mall Bonsai n’ Chai seeks sales staff, all shifts. Ask for Gary.
QETZL 2.2 Sys Architect (Lead) TechNoDyne seeks GERB-certified, QETZL wiz for Middle Tier Lifecycle Logic engineering and interfacing. Involves some Development Validation and Documentation. Also, Validation Documentation and Development. (But not Documentation Development and Validation. None of that.) Should have experience with Solutions.
Team Leader Small band of paranoiac xenophobes seeks charismatic figure to command their wills. Familiarity with apocalyptic literature a plus. Please be willing to relocate and embrace the eschaton. Competitive salary, many perks and healthcare, briefly.
Company Latham Circle Mall Bonsai n’ Chai is a lonely place. Ask for Gary. Please.
Laborer Lift that barge, tote that bale! You get a little drunk an’ you land in jail. I get weary and sick of tryin’, I’m tired of livin’ and scared of dyin’. But ol’ man river, he just keep rollin’ . . .
Individual Are you an idiosyncratic free spirit who can match insight with whimsy? Do you believe that thinking “outside the box” is a goal for squares, and find yourself thinking in brightly colored paramecium shapes rendered in six dimensions? Do you admire the Corinthian dignity of the asparagus? Is your favorite mathematician Lewis Carroll? Who’d win in a Twister match, Keats, Cthulhu, Tina Fey or you? Can you make us laugh? Well, good for you! But we still need a night janitor. Experienced required. Be available weekends. $10/hr. No phone calls. EOE (but, honestly, a little racist).
What, Me Worry?
This week I thought I would kick off a monthly feature for the State Bulletin. As a neurotic, anxiety-ridden journalist, I need reassurance from time to time that I haven’t completely gone off the deep end. So I plan to ask you, the reader, a series of questions, and I hope that you will let me know if my fears and thought process aren’t completely out of whack. Feel free to e-mail, send letters to the editor, post on our Facebook, or comment on the blog. Nothing would make me happier than to hear that I’m just being an idiot.
1. Given my shaky relationship with Albany Mayor Jerry Jennings, should it scare me that he was the master of ceremonies at Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s inauguration?
2. Is it OK that the hair on my arm stood on end when Cuomo spent a few good sentences stroking Jennings’ ego during his inauguration speech? Saying: “Special thank you to Jerry Jennings. Didn’t he do a great job as a master of ceremonies? A really great mayor, Jerry Jennings.” Cuomo spent more time talking about Jennings than he did acknowledging Attorney General Eric Schneiderman or Comptroller Tom DiNapoli—people whom, you would think, he will be working with a little more closely than Jennings. That is, unless Jennings does plan to increase his general proximity to Cuomo—by, lets say . . . oh, I don’t know, taking a position with the Cuomo administration.
3. Should it worry me that Cuomo apparently thinks Jennings is “a really great mayor?” We know Jerry has raised some serious cash for the governor, but does that have anything to do with how he has run the city?
4. Is it just a little weird for you to read that I completely support Jennings’ push for bars to close earlier to reduce crime? Sorry, bars.
5. Is it weird that my girlfriend wants a ukelele for her birthday?
6. Is “I really want a ukelele for my birthday, no seriously,” code for something?
7. Should I be concerned that Cuomo didn’t announce his plans to fight corruption in Albany before the State of the State? All sorts of other ideas from his speech were floated in the press days beforehand—a hiring freeze, a property tax cap, anything that might annoy labor unions, but why not take the pulse of those testy legislators?
8. Should it be nagging me that his biggest ethics reform move so far has been to issue an executive order mandating an hourlong ethics class for his staffers? Isn’t that just sort of a waste of state money? Shouldn’t your staffers have picked up ethics training in school for law or public policy? Wouldn’t it be more cost-effective to hand them a workbook titled “How not to Be Scumbages, Insult Kerry Kennedy and Intimidate People?”
9. Should I believe that Andrew Cuomo—the man who benefited the most from large corporate donations this campaign season—is actually committed to reforming the system that allows such donations?
10. Does the fact that the biggest hooplah about the City of Albany’s doomsday budget was over a bathhouse scare the hell out of any one else? I mean no disrespect to the bathhouse, which I think is a great asset to the community. I just wonder if there aren’t a few more things we should be causing a stink about.
11. Is anyone else a bit disturbed that Councilman Anton Konev, who led the charge to save the bathhouse, couldn’t be bothered to be in the country to vote to override Jennings’ veto of the measure that would have saved it? True, there likely would not have been enough votes to pass the override had Konev showed up, but his absence just adds to the already clownish image of the council as a whole.
12. Is it odd that I can’t watch shows about strange animal life or medical procedures because they give me nightmares, but I have a hard time changing the channel if 48 Hours—the real-life murder investigation show—is on?
13. Does anyone else sometimes have their ears close up due to eustashian tube dysfunction? My doctor says he has the same thing, but I would hate think my doctor can’t hear me most of the time.
14. And just so you poor Troybanians don’t think I never think about you, let me pose this question: Does the following logic make sense?
Because Mayor Harry Tutunjian supported demolishing Troy’s former city hall on the grounds that it is moldy and full of cracks and something better might replace it, then it follows that Tutunjian should step down right now because he has been moldy and full of cracks for the last few years? Clearly it would be easier to replace Tutunjian with an eager, fresh public servant than it will be for a construction company to obtain the financing to build something new where City Hall once stood—especially in this economy.
I am enamored of both the cinema and Christmas, so this is like Internet crack to me.
There are 4 brackets.
There's a Dickens bracket with 8 Scrooge movies (including Scrooged, pictured).
There's the Agressively Secular Christmas Flick bracket (which has 2 inspired, outside-the-box entries, Die Hard and Gremlins),
There's a Classic/Serious-If-Only Slightly-Religious bracket (It's a Wonderful Life, a trio of Bing Croby flicks, a foreign ringer, The Bishop's Wife, Christmas in Connecticut, and Minnelli's masterpiece Meet Me in St. Louis).
And, finally, a Santa bracket that includes real, fake and evil Kringles (Miracle on 34th Street--the 1947 original, not the John Hughes cock-up--and Bad Santa are the best films in this lot).
I will not try to influence your vote, except to ask this question: Could you live with yourself if your vote led to a Robert Zemeckis-directed motion-capture abomination, or Jim Carrey movie--or BOTH IN ONE--won this competition?
Prediction: I'll bet it comes down to A Christmas Story vs. It's a Wonderful Life, and the latter wins.
John J. McEneny for State Assembly (N.Y. 104)
After his many years of dedicated service to his district, we are puzzled at the ferocity of the opposition to Jack McEneny. Challenger Deborah Busch, a political neophyte, has landed spots on multiple ballot lines and has attracted the support of ex-New York City mayor Ed Koch and his NY Uprising movement. We’re never quite sure why the cranky former mayor does anything, but we are very sure that we support the assemblyman in his reelection bid.