Oscar Style or Lack Thereof

Am I the only person out there who misses Cher and the outrageous costumes she’d wear to the Academy Awards? They were so out there, and considering that much of the time, all those years ago, she was the only one who even bothered to imbue a little pizzazz to the event. Even Bjork, she of the dead-swan dress, provides a modest respite from what has become a boring catwalk of sedated class. Screw the economic malaise--I want me some glam Oscars shows, and I want some surprises, and last night, we got a bit of both.

Did Mickey Rourke rock the house in that strangely pimp, strangely good John Paul Gaultier tux? At first, I thought he looked a bit like an ice-cream salesman but I loved it, and ditto the doggy charm necklace and lapel pin. Nobody but Mickey Rourke can wear pictures of his dead animal as jewelry and get away with it.

Another plus on the glam side was the always-fab Anne Hathaway. Not only did she look stunning in her champagne skinfitter, but she looked adorable later on, in a coppery spangled and cream gown, when she blew the house away by playing--and singing!--Nixon to Hugh Jackman’s Frost. Did I mention that Jackman was yummy?

Penelope Cruz can do wrong, and she wore that 60-year-old Dior like nobody’s business, but what’s with the helmet hair? She must have gone to the same salon as Kate Winslet, whose shellacked coif and hard makeup did nothing to improve a disastrous choice of gown. The Academy should have the right to a do-over when their choice for the statuette shows up looking like that.

Like Cruz, Sarah Jessica Parker went for pouffy, but her Dior couture made me wonder if Glinda the Good Witch was nearby, itching to retake ownership of it. Not only that, but somebody needs to let SJP know that, as we get older, being too thin makes one’s face look, well, scary. What’s happening to this woman’s temples? They’re concave, in relation to her enormous forehead and cheeks.

No such problems with other Supporting Actress contenders. Viola Davis, in pleated gold, made me sit up and think, she was the frumpy, snot-nosed mother in Doubt? Dang. Who knew? And Taraji P. Henson blew this viewer away with her chic coif and even chicer gown. Loved the garnet-colored purse, too. On the other hand, Amy Adams’ harlequinesque bodice, despite its rich winy color, looked like it had been contrived from a Spiderman costume. Nice necklace though.

Angelina Jolie’s penchant for boring red-carpet dresses continues. Thank God for accessories: Those emerald rocks dangling next to her lovely neck and that hunky man on her arm were to die for! In a similar vein, showstopper Diane Lane, in elegant black with a gold necklace, and hubby Josh Brolin, in the night’s best tux, made marriage look classy and erotic at the same time.

Speaking of Jolie, much was made of the desired catfight between her and Brad's ex, Jennifer Aniston. Of course, this didn't happen, but it would have been better looking than the hardware-festooned getup that Aniston wore, which she complemented with a Heidi braid across her forehead. Not only did she look lousy, but her shtick with Jack Black did stink. 

Meryl Streep usually looks like something the cat dragged in, when it comes to her clothing, but she can be excused because she’s so freaking talented. That said, she looked okay last night, if a little faded. Which brings us to Tilda Swinton, who can be expected to challenge our assumptions of what’s stylish. I adore Swinton’s strong individualist sense of style, and last night’s choice of a sand-colored top with intricate draping, over what appeared to be a long black skirt, with a strong gold bracelet, was truly inspired. If you still don’t get it, look at the picture of her in today’s Times in which she’s standing next to Anjelica Huston, who looks--gasp!--frumpy in a floral sprayed jersey gown.

We all like Goldie Hawn--I mean, how can you not find her funny and effervescent and all that, no matter how much she insists that she’s never been near a plastic surgeon and owes everything to yoga. At the Oscars, Hawn appeared on stage in a dirt-colored sequined gown with flippy strips attached to the skirt, all of which was overshadowed by her girls, which threatened to make a rush for the door before the rest of her. Another past winner who failed to impress was (and this makes me very sad) Sophia Loren, whose leathery tan-ness did nothing to improve a yellow chiffony number that last saw daylight when The Lawrence Welk Show was in its heyday. By the way, it appears that Loren is tanning at the same facility as Frank Langella, who should have at least had the decency not to have made his daughter wear a castoff bridesmaid's dress.

Back to the younger set. The helium-voiced Vanessa Hudgeons did herself no favors when she chose a dress that was far more suited to the full embodiment of glam--say, Ava Gardner, if speaking of the past, or maybe Jennifer Connolly, if looking to today. Another young’un who shouldn’t be allowed to shop for the red carpet without grown-up assistance is Miley Cyrus, who seems to have gone crazy with her BeDazzler and a Dolly Parton castoff. Cyrus did far better last year, in her more age-appropriate scarlet empire-waist column, but that was before she posed in weirdly racy pics with Dad Billy Ray and let gossip mongers' tongues wag at how she wants emancipation from the folks, so she can, you know, hook up with whomever she wants--even if he is a lot older than her. And Jessica Biel’s asymmetric draping had the unfortunate and unforeseen effect of what happens when bad plastic surgery happens to good people. What was she hiding in that left-breast pouf--the infant Benjamin Button?

And did I mention that red carpet co-host Robin Roberts, in coral, looked the epitome of American chic? Who knew, when she’s always stuck in a sensible T-neck, next to the ageless Diane Sawyer on morning TV. But enough of me--what did you think?

--Smart-Ass Barbie